I’m not sure whether I’m in for a daze, but I know that I have four days left.
My last Sunday in Malaysia, in PJEFC, until I return next July.
You know, I don’t even know whether this post will be read.
Life feels so weird. I have constantly been running all over the world for the past few years, besides my visit to US in 2000, and so on. I’m not a person who interacts easily, neither am I much of a talker, I have come to realise… I find it hard to interact, to talk to others, to make friends.
I had a couple of good friends in kindergarten, through most of primary school… but we lost contact.
I had a couple of good friends in Princeton, US… but also, we lost contact
I had a couple of good friends in Ann Perreau Music Studios, but also… people have moved and we have lost contact.
I had many friends in SMK Taman SEA, but also, only a few here and there remain in contact.
I had some friends in PJEFC, but also, I’ve lost contact with many, except those whom I work with every time I come back (esp. in the AV Team)
I had no friends when I went to Millfield, I had some when I left… and now, I fear losing contact with yet even more people..
You know, somehow I just come to the conclusion that since I’ve lost contact with hundreds of people, it must be ME somehow who just can’t really keep contact that well with people… Through lack of try? Something about me?
I just seem to run through one place to the next, constantly facing new sets of people, it doesn’t help that I’m one who finds it hard to initiate conversations.
Do those I used to interact me still remember me? I’m at fault – I don’t fully remember everyone who I’ve interacted with…
You know, I have found it weird sometimes going back to the places that I used to be in – face people I haven’t seen in ages… I don’t know why. I don’t feel comfortable. Guilt of lack of contact, perhaps?
No surprise here that not many read my blog… seemingly uninteresting and uneventful.
I’ve spent the summer locked up in my room doing work… too much time too, to ponder the big questions, “WHY” something. Everyone “seems” to be enjoying theirselves – is it me self-torturing myself by not meeting up with friends? Hoping that friends would just ‘come’ instead when I want them? To throw away friends when things go nicely and wait for them to come when things don’t go so well? I don’t think that’s me.. but sometimes I wonder.
I always want to help people… but do I always end up doing it the wrong way?
Then there are those who care for me.. yet I do not feel worthy of their care?
Trust and faith.
Just like one of the pieces I just orchestrated “You can trust God”.